Journal Entry [0024]

Sleep is getting to be a difficult thing. Before it was just hard to get there. Little things could be done to improve the changes. So far I'd done alcohol, cough medicine, the pain pills last night, even turning off my implants so I could just be there in absolute silence. Getting through it was just another one of the burdens of daily life I had to deal with. And now...

Looking at the clock I find it's half past three in the morning. At the moment that isn't so bad. It's Sunday. I don't have a responsibility for breakfast of the little ones on Sunday mornings. That's Gamma's. So it isn't too bad. After this I might just head downstairs to get more work in on the wiring for Theta's helmet. This week has been good for that. Once I was finally able to get myself to go back down there I sat down and sketched the entire interior layout, electronics diagrams, everything and anything I would need to get the work finished. Took it in to Smithson yesterday morning, got it all approved by him. So tonight I'll at least put to use.

The problem, really, was that sleep was something I was looking forward to, given how little I've had this week. Sure, the dreams have been terrible, but not one has woken me. Until now, clearly.

What confuses me is the content. By most stretches of the imagination it was completely tame. I don't know how it started, but I was holding Maine's hand. Simple, tame, heart warming from the sheer delight I had at the contact. Problem was something in my subconscious mind must have reacted to that. Why should something so commonplace hold such pure joy? It woke me.

For the first seconds, in the morning, I don't remember it yet. I don't know why. Wishful thinking? Either way I rolled to seek him out, to tell him my silly little dream and how warm it had made my heart. And he wasn't there. I reached and he wasn't there, I was touching the wall. The cold of it reminded me, and then...

I haven't wept that much since the night itself. Now, though, I can't bring myself to sleep. Given I hadn't gotten TO bed until nearly midnight I should be exhausted. Instead I'm too keyed up to manage sleep. So instead I try to figure out how to make it stop hurting. But I can't. I love him. I love him now, I love him forever, I love him all the days beyond that.

The only option I can figure out for now is working myself to exhaustion. And so, with that, to Theta's helmet. At this pace I should be able to bring it in for eval by the end of next week, if not soon. And then...

Well, at least someone will smile.