[sticky entry] Sticky: GFH IC Contact

Mar. 30th, 2015 09:57 pm
protective_logic: (Default)
If you're hearing this message that means I'm not available at the moment.
So if you'd please leave your contact info and your message I'll get back to you at the first possible moment.
If there is a family related emergency, just keep trying until you get through.

[sticky entry] Sticky: Here To Assist

Mar. 16th, 2015 12:29 pm
protective_logic: (Default)
AI FAMILY PRIMER

OOC INFO
Name: ChurbooseAnon (CA)
Contact: [plurk.com profile] churbooseanon
Other characters played here: Agent Florida (Native)
Age: Over 20

IC INFO
Name: Delta Ai
Native, OU, or AU: Native
Canon (if applicable): RvB
Character journal used: [personal profile] protective_logic
Reference (if applicable): http://rvb.wikia.com/wiki/Delta
Canon point (if applicable): N/A
Personality:
Delta is a man built on three characteristics. A strong triangle of qualities that his whole life is built upon. Logical application of intelligence, unyielding affection and protectiveness, and a deep desire to improve his lot in life.

Like many of his siblings, Delta is blessed with the gift of intelligence. Of course that intelligence isn't limitless, and part of the problem for Delta is that he possesses a very logic driven intellect. His talent comes with numbers above all else, meaning his preference is to deal with maths, statistics and the like. The problem is that Delta is a highly linear thinker. He needs to build up results from experience and research, and doesn't trust intuitive jumps or gut feelings. Deduction, yes. Reliance on experience, yes. Solving a problem with a broken curtain rod by using that old flower pot hanger to stand in as a hook for the rod? He's not going to come up with that one. But given enough time, research and access to the internet, he can learn what he needs.

On the other hand, Delta does get frustrated by illogical behavior when someone is claiming to be smart. It doesn't make sense to him to, for instance, invest money in the stock market. He understands that it can work, but the risk to one's own finances is hardly something he can rectify as being worth the potential reward.

Who doesn't want to improve the life they find themselves in? It could be through the acquisition of material items, or material wealth, or just some better position, the finding of love, or simple comfort. Delta is no different from most people in that urge to have something better. That being said his desire to improve his life finds itself hampered in a way. While he has the ability to get into college, get a good job, and live a comfortable enough life, even that must be sacrificed in the face of his protectiveness of his family.

And really, isn't that the core of the story? Delta is the third oldest of eight, and since Alpha left, really the second oldest. Since he was a young boy the whole of his life has been consumed by his siblings. He cares for them deeply and sacrifices everything and anything for their happiness, comfort, or simply to see them smile. How can he apply his intelligence to react for a better lot for himself when doing so would take away one of the pillars of the family? He cleans, he organizes, he manages money, and above all else he cares for his siblings.

Given a gun to his head and the choice to save himself or his family, every last time Delta would choose the other Ais. Maybe he isn't the best illusion of a mother that they have, but he knows that he's what they have anyway. If by his life or his death he can provide for his family and keep them safe, then he'll do it. Always, always, ALWAYS do they come first.

Maybe, in a way, that's why his social skills are all shot to hell. But if he isn't there to care for them, then who will?

Delta lives by three simple words. They rule him like nothing else.

Family.

Comes.

First.

That being said, Delta's also a proud man. He refuses to display weakness if it would hurt his family. No, to be strong for his family, to provide for them, he needs to be the best he can, which means denying things about himself...
Back story:
These are the things Delta isn't entirely certain of. At some point, he was born. Soon after he arrived at the only home he has ever known with a nanny at his side. His failure to react to lots of quiet noises around him lead to their guardian at the time discovering that Delta was hard of hearing and resulted in a sub-dermal implant to improve his hearing. Back then he was the youngest of three. Within a few short years that was no longer true.

The longer he lived the more siblings Delta had. When he was young and still learning to do simple tasks like reading (and signing to supplement his coping methods for his hearing) he was also learning from his older brothers how to help manage his younger siblings. And when Alpha went missing, just gone one day, Delta found himself and his remaining older brother forced to step to the fore.

Since then Delta's life has been about balancing his personal needs and that of his family. He didn't take up chess club in school because he needed that time for taking care of his younger siblings. Instead of spending time with friends in high school, or even really having them, he spent all his time in school doing homework to have more time at home, and from the second he was allowed to, doing part time jobs for money to help support them.

Things got harder by the time he graduated high school, when there was less financial support for the family. Despite earning a tuition waiver at the local college and pursuing his goals in business and finance, Delta became a full time care-taker of his siblings. His time at night is filled with online classes at the community college as he works toward his CPA (his rationale being that there is always work for accountants and it wouldn't necessarily pull him away from the home).

During the small window of the day when his younger siblings are at school he works an online data entry job, managing records for several companies through a firm that pays him far less than he thinks they should. But work that lets him be there for his family is work, and Delta doesn't complain.

Any other hour of the day is filled by the rote of living. Providing for his family by cleaning, buying necessities, dealing with all the things necessary to run a household.

Sample:

Grocery Day

Open Post

Jun. 11th, 2017 09:27 am
protective_logic: (Default)
Anything is welcome. Just let me know if you want him as an AI or person in the first post
protective_logic: (Default)
Two months, a hellish period of time. Made worse by his presence. And yet...

And yet the words he said. 'Time. Make opportunities. Or take them.'

I've been presented with two competing opinions on what it could mean.

First there is York. His bias is so clear it need not be stated. Of all those tied to me when this happened, only he was outraged for me. Only he has ever sought to reforge what was broken, beyond Omega's brief suggestions of 'get on your knees and beg him.' York who almost seems to hold more hope for a reconciliation than I can bear myself because hope kills. Time. Maine needs time to figure out what he does and doesn't want. Essentially his advice is don't burn bridges, be patient. Learn. And when the time comes, reach for him again, hoping he truly does want to see if we can't refind what I destroyed.

In the second camp is TC. Yes, Maine wants time, but he also wants to encourage the chase. Wants me to beg and grovel and struggle to prove myself. Hold it just out of reach until finally I believe it's in hand, and break me with a single word. A final, definitive rejection.

I think he's not so directly cruel as to offer that. Nor do I think him so kind as to truly suggest some real chance in the future to think about this.

No, I think the answer may rest in a third option. One far crueler, fueled by something more bitter and ultimately far more devastating. And Maine, being Maine, may not mean to do it intentionally. He hasn't thrown me a rope to pull me out of stormy waters. He doesn't mean to pull me to safety just to throw me over again. Instead he's tossed out a life preserver.

And then sailed off.

Hope. What a cruel gift he gives me. Hope which I shall wake up to every morning, sleep with at night, and never see realized. Hope that eats away at the core of a man and leaves him hollow, immobilized, unable to ever act. Whether he knows it or not, cares of it or not, intends it or not, he leaves me with a slow poison I embrace that will eat me from the inside out. And I will embrace it. My will is truly that weak. Love so openly, freely, kindly shared that rare in my life that I will take my daily dose as it burns my body and leaves not even ashes in its wake.

What will I be when it deserts me and I scatter to the winds?

I doubt I will recognize that man at all.

Yet still, I cling.
protective_logic: (Don't Look)
A month.

I've been without him for a month. There are moments, brief moments, where the world seems okay without him in it. The way Theta reacted to his new helmet. Omega's support for my new friendship. The warmth TC offers me. But there's this moment right after that happiness, that warmth, that kindness, where I hurt. I get more sleep now, but more from how much I was getting wasn't the best. But you know there are just things you just have to figure out for yourself. That you just learn to get through. I get more sleep, but it's still not enough. I'm not eating enough, to the point where people comment. I wonder if I'm supposed to care.

The days don't get easier. Maybe there are moments when they aren't terrible, but they aren't really better. Still I dream of him. Still I long for him. And still I want to call him every day to tell him about those good moments. Caught myself almost doing it this morning. I can't, though. Reaching out to him at all would be... wrong.

We couldn't even end as friends. My own choice. I can't believe I...

They say it gets easier with time. That people move on. I have to know how long it is. Does it matter? The rest of my life to wish and hate and long.

These days I don't know who I hate more. Him for not arguing more, struggling harder, for not trying at all. Or me for letting him go in the first place.

Better question. In the end does it even matter which turns out to be true when the only way I can get through the day is to remind myself that I still have four minors at home to manage.
protective_logic: (Default)
Make your own safety. Keeping safe means having someone who would watch your back...

Who watches mine now? Who watches his?
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Sleep is getting to be a difficult thing. Before it was just hard to get there. Little things could be done to improve the changes. So far I'd done alcohol, cough medicine, the pain pills last night, even turning off my implants so I could just be there in absolute silence. Getting through it was just another one of the burdens of daily life I had to deal with. And now...

Looking at the clock I find it's half past three in the morning. At the moment that isn't so bad. It's Sunday. I don't have a responsibility for breakfast of the little ones on Sunday mornings. That's Gamma's. So it isn't too bad. After this I might just head downstairs to get more work in on the wiring for Theta's helmet. This week has been good for that. Once I was finally able to get myself to go back down there I sat down and sketched the entire interior layout, electronics diagrams, everything and anything I would need to get the work finished. Took it in to Smithson yesterday morning, got it all approved by him. So tonight I'll at least put to use.

The problem, really, was that sleep was something I was looking forward to, given how little I've had this week. Sure, the dreams have been terrible, but not one has woken me. Until now, clearly.

What confuses me is the content. By most stretches of the imagination it was completely tame. I don't know how it started, but I was holding Maine's hand. Simple, tame, heart warming from the sheer delight I had at the contact. Problem was something in my subconscious mind must have reacted to that. Why should something so commonplace hold such pure joy? It woke me.

For the first seconds, in the morning, I don't remember it yet. I don't know why. Wishful thinking? Either way I rolled to seek him out, to tell him my silly little dream and how warm it had made my heart. And he wasn't there. I reached and he wasn't there, I was touching the wall. The cold of it reminded me, and then...

I haven't wept that much since the night itself. Now, though, I can't bring myself to sleep. Given I hadn't gotten TO bed until nearly midnight I should be exhausted. Instead I'm too keyed up to manage sleep. So instead I try to figure out how to make it stop hurting. But I can't. I love him. I love him now, I love him forever, I love him all the days beyond that.

The only option I can figure out for now is working myself to exhaustion. And so, with that, to Theta's helmet. At this pace I should be able to bring it in for eval by the end of next week, if not soon. And then...

Well, at least someone will smile.
protective_logic: (Default)
Written in a shaky hand.

There are days... there are days I wish the world would swallow me whole. To be gone and not have to care. To just be away from here. Maybe to just not be Delta.

Is it wrong that I wish Price was here? Yes, I know it is, but... But he made us forget Beta entirely. Took away Alpha and Beta and made them forget us. It's wrong to want it, but why can't I have that oblivion as well? I don't want to remember any of it. Not his smiles, or his warmth, or his love. Not what I've given up for a family who doesn't care. But no, it will never happen.

Sacrifice was the life I was raised to. Why does this one hurt so much? Why is this the one that kills me inside? Why does nothing make it better other than the numbing effect of the alcohol?

We still have to move. When we do I'm going to create my work area myself. I can't ever share it with someone else, because I can't even look at the basement door without my throat getting far too tight.

Tonight I wish I was like Epsilon. If it was, I'd probably just go out and find a warm body to lose myself with. But I can't even do that. My mind won't let me. For me it's all or nothing, and right now... forever, it's nothing.
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There are things I cannot have. This much I have resolved to accept. This is true of my life. This is true of my work. This is true of my home on and what it represents. What it can and will be. But mostly, it's true of my relationship. It's true of what I have with Maine.

I've been trying to deal with the news since Thursday, and the simple fact of the matter is that I wish I had the chances he is taking of himself, for himself. With York. They... I don't think it's time enough for Sigma and York to make the decision they have. Granted part of that may be in the fact that, nearing on six months into my own relationship, I know I couldn't do it. Six months is too soon for me, so I assume it's too soon for him. That probably isn't fair. Sigma has always been more aware of himself, more in control of himself than I ever have been. He knows himself better, and I'm only just starting to find who I am.

And I envy that. I envy a lot of things about Sigma. He's younger, he'll never be responsible for the twins in the way Omega is, in the way I have to be. He's got a real life ahead of him. Graduate school even. He's going to have so much. And now he's taking this step forward with a man he loves, and it's something I can never do, never have, never be. Omega and I will be here until our younger siblings are set. Even if there are none after the twins, that's more than another fourteen years really. I'll be nearly forty before I can establish a life that is truly of my own. Maine...

Aaron could be long gone by then. He could be gone by this time next year. Either way I won't get to reach these milestones. It doesn't matter that nothing gives me joy like waking up with his arms around me. I don't know how to explain that to Omega, how good that feels. Knowing that they're just there, they're going to be there... I know why Sigma wants what he does, and I crave it too. And so, even if I'm worried it's too soon or he's doing it for the wrong reasons, or I'm scared it will go poorly, I have to fight for it for Sigma.

Didn't Omega and I always tell each other that we'd give the others what we never could have? Doesn't this fall into the same realm?
protective_logic: (Default)
[A series of pictures filling up several pages, all sharing the same date. Each is of a different variety of helmet, each with a different and carefully constructed paint job done carefully in markers.

The pictures start bright, cheery, inviting. They get progressively darker and clearly designed to intimidate.]
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He's so good with the kids. I can't help but think that every time I see them together. He smiles at them and plays with them and he's just so happy. Radiates smiles such as I cannot begin to explain.

I wish I knew how to explain.
protective_logic: (Eyes Down)
Things aren't easy, and I don't know which is worse. The realization Omega seems not to like me, or the fact that I can never have Maine as close as I want.

It hit me recently that there are a lot of steps of a relationship that I can't have. Sigma gets to move out. His boyfriend can visit him and one day if they wanted to, they could move in together. They can spend time together, and sleep in each others' arms.

I can never have that with Maine. I will always be with Omega and Epsilon and the littles. Maybe Epsilon would leave. Maybe Omega will take that base as the center of his operations, but doubt it. There will never be a moment in my life where I can actually see myself waking up in his arms regularly. Never.

And I hate that.
protective_logic: (Default)
What sticks with him, as he listens to the doctors go on and on, is the fact that Omega could have died. Omega could have died, and if he had, the last thoughts he would have had about Delta was that he was hated. That they fought. That they couldn’t see eye to eye. That, and he has to wonder about how Omega would feel about Delta being in charge of medical situations in an emergency. Delta hates hospitals, hates doctors, hates knowing the terrible things that can happen. But Beta isn’t anywhere on medical records, so Delta is the next of kin.

At last the doctors walk away and Delta is left alone with his brother. Left alone in a hospital room with the lights dimmed, Omega unconscious. Drugged. There is metal in his leg now. Omega will like that. A bionic man. They rebuilt him, he is better. And he almost died.

Tex, Beta is gone, and Delta doesn’t know what to do with that. Instead he stays silent in the chair by the bed.

Strange how cold he feels inside. He’d thought if it ever came to this, there would be tears. Sure, they threaten a little at the idea that his brother might have died, or that Omega thought… But he doesn’t know what Omega thinks. So many times Omega had told him that, and Delta needed to accept his own limitations of knowledge of his sibling.

When did they grow apart? When did they get like this?

“You know, you could have waited for your second job.”

The room doesn’t respond. There is silence. The monitors muted for the sake of Delta sleeping here. The nurses wanted to argue, but they had looked at Tex and… well, no one dared say no.

But it’s silent, and Delta wishes his brother was awake to respond, to yell at him, to argue.

“I didn’t mean to… start all these fights,” Delta whispers, reaching out and resting his hand on his brother’s. It’s not as warm as it should be. “I just… All of my life is changing and not for the best. So much of my life wasted, and you maybe scared to tell me until we had something else?”

Delta sighs. Why is he doing this? These are things to say when awake. But he has to say it now, or he might never.

“Don’t die, okay? I love you, Meg, and I need you here at my side. This is our family, and I can’t do any of this without you. This is what we do. We care for our family. Yeah, we’re finally learning new things, but this is what we are. Family. About family. For the family. And… please just wake up, okay? I get scared of the thought of doing all of this without you.”

His fingers squeeze around Omega’s hand.

“I’m sorry. For all of it. Everything I’ve said and done. I’m just so scared of the changes. You and me, Omega, we were the constants. That’s how we kept them going. And we’re changing now too. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please… wake up and tell me.”

But he doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t. With a sigh Delta pulls his chair a bit closer. His hand still on Omega’s, he leans over the bed. Rests his head on a corner of Omega’s pillow. Not that he’ll sleep. But for now? For now he just wants to be close.
protective_logic: (Default)
I keep having this dream. Where I'm with Maine and things are getting so wonderfully heated and then...

God I say the wrong name and the look he gives me... The betrayal. The hatred as he pushes me away from him. It terrifies me. He's a mercenary. He's deadly force, always has been. Always will be. And crossing him might be a mistake. Would be a mistake. I think he cares for me enough not to hurt me, but I'm not sure. saying something like that would be... Terrible.

What am I supposed to do?
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I know I've told Epsilon and Sigma and Roxy and...

The thing is I don't even remember if I told Omega anymore. If I told him how it upsets me then it adds insult to injury. If I didn't then he was just callous about something I have been upset by in the past.

The sad thing is that I can't even respond. If I address what he said it continues the conversation, the insults, and the sickness in my stomach. The ache. The everything. If I bring it up with Maine I'm running to make him seem like a bad guy. If I talk to Tex then I'm running to her to prove he's a bad person. If I turn to Sigma I fail to show the strength I'm trying to encourage in him, and make things awkward all over again while upsetting him. Epsilon has his own problems. Everyone else is too young.

So instead I have to try and forget it. Try and let it not bother me. Try to ignore the sourness of my stomach and the terrible taste in my mouth, and I have to deal with everything while he has a hissy fit.

The twins are crying, Theta has tried to crawl under my bed and Gamma... is doing whatever he does when there is anger in the house.

And I have to try and pick up the pieces I sent falling by not having Sigma prove himself before talking to Omega. Clearly I made a mistake. I just have to figure out how to be better in the future.
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I suppose the best way to explain the lack of entries is 'surgery.' And then 'lack of lucidity.'

There are pieces all around me of what the last week has been. I don't know what to make of them.

-A shoddily started scarf: clearly at some point I tried yarn work. I remember being warm while I did so. I wonder.

-A brownie pan in the kitchen dish drainer: Maine must have been over. He makes brownies when I'm upset. I can tell it was him because there is a half-used bottle of caramel sauce in the fridge. He is so kind to me. I also need to let Gamma know he can't slack on putting dishes away now that I'm lucid.

-Crayon drawings of Omegaman and Golden Rose: The twins both made one design for each of these super heroes. I don't know why. They told me that it was my idea and I'm going to make costumes for Beta and Omega. I... don't know why.

-Box of chocolates with a pink bow: My suspicion on this one is Roxy. She seems to have an abundance of pink around her, so it makes sense, right?

-One sign reading 'Cold bean juice and your morning fuzzy pill': It's Omega's handwriting, by an empty coffee mug, perhaps from the morning. The mug smells like coffee. I must assume that someone, quite possibly myself, came up with the brilliant idea of calling coffee 'bean juice.' What a pity.

That's really all I have to itemize from the strangeness of my week. But then, as lucidity approaches, an interesting question. How do I react to this whole Omega having his own room thing? Part of my head is screaming that he's finally doing it, finally leaving. I think I hate that part of my head now. I refuse to believe anything it says any longer. Omega was there when I went in. I know Omega was there when I left. I am CERTAIN Omega was helping take care of me. Maybe we're not the greatest at being brothers, but I think it's me that is part of the problem, and I hereby resolve to change.

If he needs the space, then he needs the space. It might make our fights (which I hope to be less frequent) better. It will allow him a place to be before and after jobs if he's a mess. We won't want the littles seeing him 'hurt' when it's just blood from helping someone if something goes, what is the way to put it, sideways? And we definitely don't want his merc gear or medical supplies or a gun in the house.

Actually... a gun might not be a bad idea. I should talk to Texas and Omega about this. With two mercenaries in the family and two more of us dating mercs, it is possible that the best idea is to get a gunsafe. We can put it on the high shelf in the closet that Theta can't reach even if he climbs on a chair, but the rest of us can get to. We'll make the code something us elder siblings know, and I'll talk to Tex and Omega about helping us learn to shoot just enough for self defense. Of course if it's for self-defense then maybe downstairs by the door is a bad idea. Okay, new idea. Make a plan with Tex and Omega about what to do in emergencies. Perhaps see if they know something about maybe making hidey holes for the littles to crawl into if something bad happens and we give them a special word or something.

Chances are we'll never have to use it, but given how our lives are changing? Far better safe than sorry.

Other thought: Talk to York. He's supposed to be good at security stuff. He might be able to help us set up an alarm system or something.
protective_logic: (Default)
Really, when you think about it, the risks that come with the surgery really aren't sufficiently outweighed by the supposed benefits of having to listen to Omega's voice. There is no reason I can't function perfectly well as a member of the deaf community. I'm sure there even is a real community. It seems like things have settled out well enough to communicate this last week, and my helmet helps with speech-to-text. And with Epsilon injured and Omega clearly unfit to rear children, not to mention Sigma's new relationship and collegiate focus, it would be irresponsible of me to have the surgery at this time.

In the end it's illogical for me to take this risk now. Clearly the surgery must be cancelled.

Simple matter. No big deal at all.

I am Delta Ai and I'm deaf.

No big.
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