Journal Entry [0019]
Jul. 24th, 2015 11:18 amThings aren't easy, and I don't know which is worse. The realization Omega seems not to like me, or the fact that I can never have Maine as close as I want.
It hit me recently that there are a lot of steps of a relationship that I can't have. Sigma gets to move out. His boyfriend can visit him and one day if they wanted to, they could move in together. They can spend time together, and sleep in each others' arms.
I can never have that with Maine. I will always be with Omega and Epsilon and the littles. Maybe Epsilon would leave. Maybe Omega will take that base as the center of his operations, but doubt it. There will never be a moment in my life where I can actually see myself waking up in his arms regularly. Never.
And I hate that.
It hit me recently that there are a lot of steps of a relationship that I can't have. Sigma gets to move out. His boyfriend can visit him and one day if they wanted to, they could move in together. They can spend time together, and sleep in each others' arms.
I can never have that with Maine. I will always be with Omega and Epsilon and the littles. Maybe Epsilon would leave. Maybe Omega will take that base as the center of his operations, but doubt it. There will never be a moment in my life where I can actually see myself waking up in his arms regularly. Never.
And I hate that.
Journal Entry [0017]
Jun. 24th, 2015 11:13 pmI know I've told Epsilon and Sigma and Roxy and...
The thing is I don't even remember if I told Omega anymore. If I told him how it upsets me then it adds insult to injury. If I didn't then he was just callous about something I have been upset by in the past.
The sad thing is that I can't even respond. If I address what he said it continues the conversation, the insults, and the sickness in my stomach. The ache. The everything. If I bring it up with Maine I'm running to make him seem like a bad guy. If I talk to Tex then I'm running to her to prove he's a bad person. If I turn to Sigma I fail to show the strength I'm trying to encourage in him, and make things awkward all over again while upsetting him. Epsilon has his own problems. Everyone else is too young.
So instead I have to try and forget it. Try and let it not bother me. Try to ignore the sourness of my stomach and the terrible taste in my mouth, and I have to deal with everything while he has a hissy fit.
The twins are crying, Theta has tried to crawl under my bed and Gamma... is doing whatever he does when there is anger in the house.
And I have to try and pick up the pieces I sent falling by not having Sigma prove himself before talking to Omega. Clearly I made a mistake. I just have to figure out how to be better in the future.
The thing is I don't even remember if I told Omega anymore. If I told him how it upsets me then it adds insult to injury. If I didn't then he was just callous about something I have been upset by in the past.
The sad thing is that I can't even respond. If I address what he said it continues the conversation, the insults, and the sickness in my stomach. The ache. The everything. If I bring it up with Maine I'm running to make him seem like a bad guy. If I talk to Tex then I'm running to her to prove he's a bad person. If I turn to Sigma I fail to show the strength I'm trying to encourage in him, and make things awkward all over again while upsetting him. Epsilon has his own problems. Everyone else is too young.
So instead I have to try and forget it. Try and let it not bother me. Try to ignore the sourness of my stomach and the terrible taste in my mouth, and I have to deal with everything while he has a hissy fit.
The twins are crying, Theta has tried to crawl under my bed and Gamma... is doing whatever he does when there is anger in the house.
And I have to try and pick up the pieces I sent falling by not having Sigma prove himself before talking to Omega. Clearly I made a mistake. I just have to figure out how to be better in the future.
Journal Entry [0016]
Jun. 6th, 2015 12:41 pmI suppose the best way to explain the lack of entries is 'surgery.' And then 'lack of lucidity.'
There are pieces all around me of what the last week has been. I don't know what to make of them.
-A shoddily started scarf: clearly at some point I tried yarn work. I remember being warm while I did so. I wonder.
-A brownie pan in the kitchen dish drainer: Maine must have been over. He makes brownies when I'm upset. I can tell it was him because there is a half-used bottle of caramel sauce in the fridge. He is so kind to me. I also need to let Gamma know he can't slack on putting dishes away now that I'm lucid.
-Crayon drawings of Omegaman and Golden Rose: The twins both made one design for each of these super heroes. I don't know why. They told me that it was my idea and I'm going to make costumes for Beta and Omega. I... don't know why.
-Box of chocolates with a pink bow: My suspicion on this one is Roxy. She seems to have an abundance of pink around her, so it makes sense, right?
-One sign reading 'Cold bean juice and your morning fuzzy pill': It's Omega's handwriting, by an empty coffee mug, perhaps from the morning. The mug smells like coffee. I must assume that someone, quite possibly myself, came up with the brilliant idea of calling coffee 'bean juice.' What a pity.
That's really all I have to itemize from the strangeness of my week. But then, as lucidity approaches, an interesting question. How do I react to this whole Omega having his own room thing? Part of my head is screaming that he's finally doing it, finally leaving. I think I hate that part of my head now. I refuse to believe anything it says any longer. Omega was there when I went in. I know Omega was there when I left. I am CERTAIN Omega was helping take care of me. Maybe we're not the greatest at being brothers, but I think it's me that is part of the problem, and I hereby resolve to change.
If he needs the space, then he needs the space. It might make our fights (which I hope to be less frequent) better. It will allow him a place to be before and after jobs if he's a mess. We won't want the littles seeing him 'hurt' when it's just blood from helping someone if something goes, what is the way to put it, sideways? And we definitely don't want his merc gear or medical supplies or a gun in the house.
Actually... a gun might not be a bad idea. I should talk to Texas and Omega about this. With two mercenaries in the family and two more of us dating mercs, it is possible that the best idea is to get a gunsafe. We can put it on the high shelf in the closet that Theta can't reach even if he climbs on a chair, but the rest of us can get to. We'll make the code something us elder siblings know, and I'll talk to Tex and Omega about helping us learn to shoot just enough for self defense. Of course if it's for self-defense then maybe downstairs by the door is a bad idea. Okay, new idea. Make a plan with Tex and Omega about what to do in emergencies. Perhaps see if they know something about maybe making hidey holes for the littles to crawl into if something bad happens and we give them a special word or something.
Chances are we'll never have to use it, but given how our lives are changing? Far better safe than sorry.
Other thought: Talk to York. He's supposed to be good at security stuff. He might be able to help us set up an alarm system or something.
There are pieces all around me of what the last week has been. I don't know what to make of them.
-A shoddily started scarf: clearly at some point I tried yarn work. I remember being warm while I did so. I wonder.
-A brownie pan in the kitchen dish drainer: Maine must have been over. He makes brownies when I'm upset. I can tell it was him because there is a half-used bottle of caramel sauce in the fridge. He is so kind to me. I also need to let Gamma know he can't slack on putting dishes away now that I'm lucid.
-Crayon drawings of Omegaman and Golden Rose: The twins both made one design for each of these super heroes. I don't know why. They told me that it was my idea and I'm going to make costumes for Beta and Omega. I... don't know why.
-Box of chocolates with a pink bow: My suspicion on this one is Roxy. She seems to have an abundance of pink around her, so it makes sense, right?
-One sign reading 'Cold bean juice and your morning fuzzy pill': It's Omega's handwriting, by an empty coffee mug, perhaps from the morning. The mug smells like coffee. I must assume that someone, quite possibly myself, came up with the brilliant idea of calling coffee 'bean juice.' What a pity.
That's really all I have to itemize from the strangeness of my week. But then, as lucidity approaches, an interesting question. How do I react to this whole Omega having his own room thing? Part of my head is screaming that he's finally doing it, finally leaving. I think I hate that part of my head now. I refuse to believe anything it says any longer. Omega was there when I went in. I know Omega was there when I left. I am CERTAIN Omega was helping take care of me. Maybe we're not the greatest at being brothers, but I think it's me that is part of the problem, and I hereby resolve to change.
If he needs the space, then he needs the space. It might make our fights (which I hope to be less frequent) better. It will allow him a place to be before and after jobs if he's a mess. We won't want the littles seeing him 'hurt' when it's just blood from helping someone if something goes, what is the way to put it, sideways? And we definitely don't want his merc gear or medical supplies or a gun in the house.
Actually... a gun might not be a bad idea. I should talk to Texas and Omega about this. With two mercenaries in the family and two more of us dating mercs, it is possible that the best idea is to get a gunsafe. We can put it on the high shelf in the closet that Theta can't reach even if he climbs on a chair, but the rest of us can get to. We'll make the code something us elder siblings know, and I'll talk to Tex and Omega about helping us learn to shoot just enough for self defense. Of course if it's for self-defense then maybe downstairs by the door is a bad idea. Okay, new idea. Make a plan with Tex and Omega about what to do in emergencies. Perhaps see if they know something about maybe making hidey holes for the littles to crawl into if something bad happens and we give them a special word or something.
Chances are we'll never have to use it, but given how our lives are changing? Far better safe than sorry.
Other thought: Talk to York. He's supposed to be good at security stuff. He might be able to help us set up an alarm system or something.
Journal Entry [0014]
May. 23rd, 2015 08:39 amIt's been a while.
I suppose there is something... unnerving about sitting down to write quietly in the pages of a journal when the whole world around you is quiet. But this was the advice my counselor had given me in high school, back when the implants gave me a small spot of trouble and I was frustrated with Omega and I missed Alpha. And Beta too I suppose.
Definitely Beta.
Strangely enough, finding a good time to write is also getting harder these days. Not because I can't find a quiet corner (irony I know), but because privacy is somewhat harder to find. True privacy. I find it difficult to knowingly turn my back on any part of my family when I'm like this. Even after nearly twenty days like this I still find that I have trouble when people touch me. I'm so used to being a man who can hear that the idea of having someone tap me on the shoulder when I didn't hear them approach is pretty scary. Especially with all that has happened. With Epsilon being hurt and Sigma getting more serious and Omega...
Omega.
I don't know what is wrong with him. I know that recently he made his first foray into romantic life. I was quite happy to hear this when I learned of it. Of all of us, even with his level of social interaction, Omega was always the lonely one. The bonds he could have made with the people all around him were diminished by his responsibilities to us. That never made it easier I suppose. Approaching him was difficult, trying to connect to him harder. I knew, I thought I knew on some level, that I was a source of his not only discomfort, but disappointment. I failed to make this easier. I failed to find a job that would help us and let him work in a better line. I blamed myself for a lot of things.
I think we both did.
But now? Now things are looking up. Sigma is happy with his mercenary and set on a true career path. Epsilon is... still Epsilon. The twins are getting more attention and more help, and Theta is getting everything he needs. And Gamma? I actually had a conversation with him the other day so that's even looking up for his socializing. But Omega, for all that he has good friends now in Maine and our older sister and possibly this Louisiana, seems to be suffering.
That foray went poorly I think. Something happened and... I guess I got yelled at for daring to try and be there for him. I will not make said mistake again I suppose. It's not that easy, though. Not by a long shot. I love my older brother, and he's always wanted me to come to him about things, and now a week out from when I'll be recovering from surgery he doesn't even want to talk to me.
The thing he said to me is... was upsetting. Even with the things I've said to Tex, and the things I've written, I'm still not sure I'm ready. On my birthday, when Maine kissed me more... intensely, I didn't react well. I don't think I like that. Not at all. I think I need to sit down and have a very real conversation with him. Because if that is what he wants from me, I don't think...
But I guess that comes later. I won't risk things before I can hear him tell me. Until I can hear him talk to me.
In the mean time I think I need to find a way to thank all my friends for their amazing gifts.
I wonder if people like cookies.
I suppose there is something... unnerving about sitting down to write quietly in the pages of a journal when the whole world around you is quiet. But this was the advice my counselor had given me in high school, back when the implants gave me a small spot of trouble and I was frustrated with Omega and I missed Alpha. And Beta too I suppose.
Definitely Beta.
Strangely enough, finding a good time to write is also getting harder these days. Not because I can't find a quiet corner (irony I know), but because privacy is somewhat harder to find. True privacy. I find it difficult to knowingly turn my back on any part of my family when I'm like this. Even after nearly twenty days like this I still find that I have trouble when people touch me. I'm so used to being a man who can hear that the idea of having someone tap me on the shoulder when I didn't hear them approach is pretty scary. Especially with all that has happened. With Epsilon being hurt and Sigma getting more serious and Omega...
Omega.
I don't know what is wrong with him. I know that recently he made his first foray into romantic life. I was quite happy to hear this when I learned of it. Of all of us, even with his level of social interaction, Omega was always the lonely one. The bonds he could have made with the people all around him were diminished by his responsibilities to us. That never made it easier I suppose. Approaching him was difficult, trying to connect to him harder. I knew, I thought I knew on some level, that I was a source of his not only discomfort, but disappointment. I failed to make this easier. I failed to find a job that would help us and let him work in a better line. I blamed myself for a lot of things.
I think we both did.
But now? Now things are looking up. Sigma is happy with his mercenary and set on a true career path. Epsilon is... still Epsilon. The twins are getting more attention and more help, and Theta is getting everything he needs. And Gamma? I actually had a conversation with him the other day so that's even looking up for his socializing. But Omega, for all that he has good friends now in Maine and our older sister and possibly this Louisiana, seems to be suffering.
That foray went poorly I think. Something happened and... I guess I got yelled at for daring to try and be there for him. I will not make said mistake again I suppose. It's not that easy, though. Not by a long shot. I love my older brother, and he's always wanted me to come to him about things, and now a week out from when I'll be recovering from surgery he doesn't even want to talk to me.
The thing he said to me is... was upsetting. Even with the things I've said to Tex, and the things I've written, I'm still not sure I'm ready. On my birthday, when Maine kissed me more... intensely, I didn't react well. I don't think I like that. Not at all. I think I need to sit down and have a very real conversation with him. Because if that is what he wants from me, I don't think...
But I guess that comes later. I won't risk things before I can hear him tell me. Until I can hear him talk to me.
In the mean time I think I need to find a way to thank all my friends for their amazing gifts.
I wonder if people like cookies.
Journal Entry [0013]
Apr. 29th, 2015 11:04 amIt's not often that I find people who are comfortable to sit around quietly and enjoy the company of someone else. Really, it feels like a rare thing. I suppose that has to do with these helmets. When you spend so much of your time hidden away from other people, it can be a comfort to have the noises to assure you someone else is there.
I don't need that with Maine. As much as I'm fond of his voice, I find myself warmed just by his silent presence. By the smart flash of his fingers and hands through a language that we both share and prefer. Is it weird that I prefer that even though I choose to hide that it feels more natural to me than speech?
Honestly, I'm thankful to the Counselor for few things. My implants, the speech therapy so I wouldn't have trouble pronouncing things, those I can thank him for. He didn't have to do that. With everything he actually did it's easier to be shocked that he would offer such a kindness to me. But in the end fear created this... this partition. There is the me that talks and smiles and chatters with my siblings and is polite with strangers. The one that doesn't like to look people in the eye because I don't want to start conversations because frankly I can't imagine what people would want to talk to me about.
And then there is me with Maine. Sometimes I wonder if my fingers can even keep up with all I want to say.
I don't need that with Maine. As much as I'm fond of his voice, I find myself warmed just by his silent presence. By the smart flash of his fingers and hands through a language that we both share and prefer. Is it weird that I prefer that even though I choose to hide that it feels more natural to me than speech?
Honestly, I'm thankful to the Counselor for few things. My implants, the speech therapy so I wouldn't have trouble pronouncing things, those I can thank him for. He didn't have to do that. With everything he actually did it's easier to be shocked that he would offer such a kindness to me. But in the end fear created this... this partition. There is the me that talks and smiles and chatters with my siblings and is polite with strangers. The one that doesn't like to look people in the eye because I don't want to start conversations because frankly I can't imagine what people would want to talk to me about.
And then there is me with Maine. Sometimes I wonder if my fingers can even keep up with all I want to say.
Journal Entry [0011]
Apr. 24th, 2015 10:35 pmHe says my eyes light up when I blush. I think Omega and Sigma want to tease me a lot. But he's coming over Sunday and so hopefully everyone gets along.
I think I need a namesign for him. I like his for himself, but I want one for him that is just mine...
[The remainder of thee page is filled with words scratched out and scribbled over. Only one is left untouched.]
Mine
I think I need a namesign for him. I like his for himself, but I want one for him that is just mine...
[The remainder of thee page is filled with words scratched out and scribbled over. Only one is left untouched.]
Mine
Journal Entry [0010]
Apr. 21st, 2015 10:34 pmI don't even know what to do anymore. Omega training to be a mercenary because I agreed to it. Trying to help him plan how he might be a mercenary that lives. And at the same time... He's clearly infatuated with Maine. That's almost driving me up the wall. I just... He's so handsome. His hands so...
Sigma's hurt. I sit here writing this in the middle of his class. I came in to take notes for him while he slept. Smithson has given me a few days off to help him. God I don't even know what to do. He's hurt and I can't fix it with bandages. How do I put him back together when he's like this?
How do I make sense of all of this?
Sigma's hurt. I sit here writing this in the middle of his class. I came in to take notes for him while he slept. Smithson has given me a few days off to help him. God I don't even know what to do. He's hurt and I can't fix it with bandages. How do I put him back together when he's like this?
How do I make sense of all of this?
Journal Entry [0009]
Apr. 18th, 2015 09:59 amI don't know what to do with myself this weekend. Book club is going to be great. Learning about helmet tech is great.
Coming downstairs to get Omega a stupid fucking diet soda and being forced to sneak around while Sigma were making out on the couch was not fun. I don't ever want to remember that. Ever.
God why does that hurt?
Coming downstairs to get Omega a stupid fucking diet soda and being forced to sneak around while Sigma were making out on the couch was not fun. I don't ever want to remember that. Ever.
God why does that hurt?
Journal Entry [0008]
Apr. 16th, 2015 12:21 pmHome.
Once the word made me feel so strong. Now, in a way, I feel trapped. But home is where I am and where I will stay. Sigma has offered to take up a lot of the slack, which has been helping. I've been encouraged to get out and more involved with other people (mostly because Sigma doesn't want me near York I fear), and that may pay off. But that doesn't make this place feel any less like a trap.
Which none of my family deserves me feeling of course. So I push it aside.
I told Sigma... Well, as near on everything as I'm willing to tell him about my reactions to York.
Soon I'll have to talk to Omega about Smithson's offer and the potential with the Charon company to figure out... Well, what I'm supposed to do with myself now.
Once the word made me feel so strong. Now, in a way, I feel trapped. But home is where I am and where I will stay. Sigma has offered to take up a lot of the slack, which has been helping. I've been encouraged to get out and more involved with other people (mostly because Sigma doesn't want me near York I fear), and that may pay off. But that doesn't make this place feel any less like a trap.
Which none of my family deserves me feeling of course. So I push it aside.
I told Sigma... Well, as near on everything as I'm willing to tell him about my reactions to York.
Soon I'll have to talk to Omega about Smithson's offer and the potential with the Charon company to figure out... Well, what I'm supposed to do with myself now.
Journal Entry [0007]
Apr. 13th, 2015 04:56 pmIt's the surroundings I think. Being in what amounts to his home. It's the fact that he was the only one I could trust and that he moved so quickly to my aid.
It's because he spoke to me on a bad day and paid attention and was kind.
And I want it out of my head.
He's Sigma's.
I don't want to dream about him anymore. It's not fair.
He's Sigma's.
Maybe he...
Maybe he could have been mine?
God Sigma would kill me if he knew that was even the tiniest of a bit of a factor in all of this. And it is. Like a tenth of a percent but it's there. That one, though, I think I can deal with.
I hope.
It's because he spoke to me on a bad day and paid attention and was kind.
And I want it out of my head.
He's Sigma's.
I don't want to dream about him anymore. It's not fair.
He's Sigma's.
Maybe he...
Maybe he could have been mine?
God Sigma would kill me if he knew that was even the tiniest of a bit of a factor in all of this. And it is. Like a tenth of a percent but it's there. That one, though, I think I can deal with.
I hope.
Journal Entry [0006]
Apr. 12th, 2015 09:22 pmWhat sort of idiot sends a mercenary after his brother? God how does Omega not understand the concept that I left? That I don't want to come back?
I wonder what he's saying about me. But no, it doesn't matter, does it?
I've started into the work that Tex has given me. Mostly building up an archive of her spending habits and saving habits before I start the next bit of work. Which should start tomorrow or later in the night.
Of course first I have a job interview. I hope Smithson doesn't tell my brother.
I wonder what he's saying about me. But no, it doesn't matter, does it?
I've started into the work that Tex has given me. Mostly building up an archive of her spending habits and saving habits before I start the next bit of work. Which should start tomorrow or later in the night.
Of course first I have a job interview. I hope Smithson doesn't tell my brother.
Journal Entry [0005]
Apr. 11th, 2015 08:24 pmI've been laying here for about three hours now. The bed is comfortable, better than any bed I've ever slept on before. Maybe it's too soft. Maybe that's why I can't sleep.
Oh, who am I kidding? It's the silence. No late night noises. No twins breathing in their sleep. None of Omega's snoring.
In the morning I'll be just as alone as I am right now. Guess this is something I have to get used to.
Oh, who am I kidding? It's the silence. No late night noises. No twins breathing in their sleep. None of Omega's snoring.
In the morning I'll be just as alone as I am right now. Guess this is something I have to get used to.
[A letter found under Delta's pillows, hand written on a few pieces of journal paper folded in half.]
Sigma,
I write this to you because... Well, it makes the most sense. Epsilon likely will have pulled his vanishing act like he does on the weekends (something I have never begrudged him). Omega should be pouting somewhere or off with his new friends. And eventually you and the kids are going to do something that demands all the pillows in the house. You always do. I never stop being amazed what you all turn something as simple as pillows into. I hope it's 'the floor is lava' because that was always my favorite game growing up. [The following is scratched out heavily by the pen.]I used to play it so much with Omega and we'd laugh and
Know that this isn't your fault. Anyone's fault really. Things are changing and I find myself obligated to change with them. I've been lying to myself for years and as I've wasted my life since I was younger than you, I need to do this. Find something that is mine. That can be mine. Find a place I'm needed, because here isn't it. That has been made abundantly clear to me.
I love you, Dean. I love you and all our siblings now and into forever. And I'm not gone forever, okay? I'm just not going to be here. I hope once I'm settled down we can spend time together, on campus or off. Maybe meet in the park with the kids to spend an afternoon together.
Please don't ask me why. This is just the way it has to be. I'll always answer your calls, always be here to help as much as I can. Any money I make that I don't need I'll send home. In the mean time I'm attaching a list of every little detail that you or anyone might need about managing the house. Doctor's numbers, pending appointments, names of teachers and anything else I can imagine. I've also left a small piece folded in fourths that has the location of where I've hidden your birthday presents. You are on your honor to not seek them out until your birthday. If Omega continues his plans for how your birthday will be celebrated, please tell me. I'd love to be there for you.
Again, I love you.
Take care of yourself, watch out for your brothers and Eta, and never, ever, let Omega make you feel small. You're an amazing young man destined for great things. Solving crimes or answering how to save this world from it's own fall to the clouds. Never let anything or anyone stand between you and greatness. Especially not me. And never Alpha.
And yes, this really is something I have to do.
Forever your brother,
Delta Ryan Ai.
Sigma,
I write this to you because... Well, it makes the most sense. Epsilon likely will have pulled his vanishing act like he does on the weekends (something I have never begrudged him). Omega should be pouting somewhere or off with his new friends. And eventually you and the kids are going to do something that demands all the pillows in the house. You always do. I never stop being amazed what you all turn something as simple as pillows into. I hope it's 'the floor is lava' because that was always my favorite game growing up. [The following is scratched out heavily by the pen.]
Know that this isn't your fault. Anyone's fault really. Things are changing and I find myself obligated to change with them. I've been lying to myself for years and as I've wasted my life since I was younger than you, I need to do this. Find something that is mine. That can be mine. Find a place I'm needed, because here isn't it. That has been made abundantly clear to me.
I love you, Dean. I love you and all our siblings now and into forever. And I'm not gone forever, okay? I'm just not going to be here. I hope once I'm settled down we can spend time together, on campus or off. Maybe meet in the park with the kids to spend an afternoon together.
Please don't ask me why. This is just the way it has to be. I'll always answer your calls, always be here to help as much as I can. Any money I make that I don't need I'll send home. In the mean time I'm attaching a list of every little detail that you or anyone might need about managing the house. Doctor's numbers, pending appointments, names of teachers and anything else I can imagine. I've also left a small piece folded in fourths that has the location of where I've hidden your birthday presents. You are on your honor to not seek them out until your birthday. If Omega continues his plans for how your birthday will be celebrated, please tell me. I'd love to be there for you.
Again, I love you.
Take care of yourself, watch out for your brothers and Eta, and never, ever, let Omega make you feel small. You're an amazing young man destined for great things. Solving crimes or answering how to save this world from it's own fall to the clouds. Never let anything or anyone stand between you and greatness. Especially not me. And never Alpha.
And yes, this really is something I have to do.
Forever your brother,
Delta Ryan Ai.
Journal Entry [0004]
Apr. 10th, 2015 08:49 pmI don't know how he always does it. Always turns it around on me.
All I know is that I'm not going to let it happen again.
It shouldn't have come to this, but it's the only thing I know I can do to make this... To live like this.
Now I just have to figure out how to do it.
All I know is that I'm not going to let it happen again.
It shouldn't have come to this, but it's the only thing I know I can do to make this... To live like this.
Now I just have to figure out how to do it.
Journal Entry [0003]
Apr. 9th, 2015 08:05 pmI don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do.
Omega talked to Sigma alright but... In the process he upset Sigma far worse than I think talking to Sigma myself might have done. The way Sigma reacted to me when I saw him on campus the next morning was heartbreaking at the very least. I didn't even know what to do. All I could do, in the bed, was beg forgiveness, deny interest in York, and insist that I'd talk to Omega.
A talk that I haven't had yet. We're both scared to because of the fight we know is coming.
I don't even know what to do about any of this. Thinking of Sigma going on a date with York this weekend makes my stomach quake like I'm sick. It's wrong of me to be so jealous, but for a moment I'd thought I had something to myself. Something I would never have to share with my siblings unless I wanted to. And now Sigma's dating the guy. In a way Sigma got there first. Am I terrible for wishing he hadn't? It's a great step for Sigma, and I swear to support him and York through all of this, but at the same time I just... I just wanted someone I could talk to about home and life without worrying about it getting back to my family. Ever.
Later in the day I still went shopping for Sigma's gift. Maybe I felt guilty. Either way I met this... Maine. I met Maine. He was tall and strong and he helped me with Sigma's gift. He signs like it's almost second nature, and I think we both almost delighted in our conversation. I can't be certain, I never saw his face. Only his hands up close really. Large, scarred, strong hands. Poor guy. Anyway I gave him my comm freq. I thought here was the thing I was looking for. Except...
Except Omega knows him. Except Omega knows him and the guy is a merc. Except Omega knows him, this guy is a merc, and I think he's pulling Omega into the business too. That's a conversation that I'm going to have to have with Omega, and I fear the plans I made with Maine (imagine, actually getting to try Jedanese coffee) will probably have to be cancelled. I'll have to do that tomorrow. I hate myself for it but I can't just leave him there waiting.
I have to wonder if the city is growing smaller. I also met this guy named Wash at the store who knew York. Said he apologized for whatever York had done to me. I wonder if I should worry for Sigma. But if I told Sigma he'd accuse me of trying to ruin everything. And that woman...
Something about her bothers me. Puts me on edge. On the defensive. I don't know why I feel like I need to prove myself to her, but I do. Something in her reminds me a bit of Meg I guess...
God, at this point, I just want to make it through the week.
Omega talked to Sigma alright but... In the process he upset Sigma far worse than I think talking to Sigma myself might have done. The way Sigma reacted to me when I saw him on campus the next morning was heartbreaking at the very least. I didn't even know what to do. All I could do, in the bed, was beg forgiveness, deny interest in York, and insist that I'd talk to Omega.
A talk that I haven't had yet. We're both scared to because of the fight we know is coming.
I don't even know what to do about any of this. Thinking of Sigma going on a date with York this weekend makes my stomach quake like I'm sick. It's wrong of me to be so jealous, but for a moment I'd thought I had something to myself. Something I would never have to share with my siblings unless I wanted to. And now Sigma's dating the guy. In a way Sigma got there first. Am I terrible for wishing he hadn't? It's a great step for Sigma, and I swear to support him and York through all of this, but at the same time I just... I just wanted someone I could talk to about home and life without worrying about it getting back to my family. Ever.
Later in the day I still went shopping for Sigma's gift. Maybe I felt guilty. Either way I met this... Maine. I met Maine. He was tall and strong and he helped me with Sigma's gift. He signs like it's almost second nature, and I think we both almost delighted in our conversation. I can't be certain, I never saw his face. Only his hands up close really. Large, scarred, strong hands. Poor guy. Anyway I gave him my comm freq. I thought here was the thing I was looking for. Except...
Except Omega knows him. Except Omega knows him and the guy is a merc. Except Omega knows him, this guy is a merc, and I think he's pulling Omega into the business too. That's a conversation that I'm going to have to have with Omega, and I fear the plans I made with Maine (imagine, actually getting to try Jedanese coffee) will probably have to be cancelled. I'll have to do that tomorrow. I hate myself for it but I can't just leave him there waiting.
I have to wonder if the city is growing smaller. I also met this guy named Wash at the store who knew York. Said he apologized for whatever York had done to me. I wonder if I should worry for Sigma. But if I told Sigma he'd accuse me of trying to ruin everything. And that woman...
Something about her bothers me. Puts me on edge. On the defensive. I don't know why I feel like I need to prove myself to her, but I do. Something in her reminds me a bit of Meg I guess...
God, at this point, I just want to make it through the week.
Journal Entry [0002]
Apr. 7th, 2015 05:55 pmMy brothers have been encouraging me for years to go out into the world. To get to know people. To make friends.
How is it remotely possible that the first one I make, the one I feel comfortable talking to, is now apparently suddenly dating my little brother?
This...
He was supposed to be something that was mine. A friend that was just mine. Someone who could be a friend to me and help me and now...
And here I had thought I'd learned to share properly when I was a kid. Seems like I'm not going to be able to do this well. But I have to not give up. I have to be a good brother and a good friend, which means being supportive. Right?
How is it remotely possible that the first one I make, the one I feel comfortable talking to, is now apparently suddenly dating my little brother?
This...
He was supposed to be something that was mine. A friend that was just mine. Someone who could be a friend to me and help me and now...
And here I had thought I'd learned to share properly when I was a kid. Seems like I'm not going to be able to do this well. But I have to not give up. I have to be a good brother and a good friend, which means being supportive. Right?
Journal Entry [0001]
Apr. 5th, 2015 05:59 pmI'm trying to process everything that has happened lately. It was easier, I think, before.
Okay, not easier. In a way I'm like Omega. I've got a fuse. When it burns down the explosion isn't as spectacular, but it's pretty bad.
The things I accused Omega of were cruel. The things he said to me crueler. Not surprising. It isn't often Omega gives me kind words.
What happened after was... strange. I'm not sure he's hugged me since we were children.
And now here I am, doing the thing I've always told myself I wasn't going to do. I'm looking outside of my family for what I thought I should be able to find inside.
If only people stopped trying to imply I was interested in York more than platonically. Yes he's attractive, yes he is kind, but the only thing I have less time for than a hobby is anything that would be called a relationship.
Okay, not easier. In a way I'm like Omega. I've got a fuse. When it burns down the explosion isn't as spectacular, but it's pretty bad.
The things I accused Omega of were cruel. The things he said to me crueler. Not surprising. It isn't often Omega gives me kind words.
What happened after was... strange. I'm not sure he's hugged me since we were children.
And now here I am, doing the thing I've always told myself I wasn't going to do. I'm looking outside of my family for what I thought I should be able to find inside.
If only people stopped trying to imply I was interested in York more than platonically. Yes he's attractive, yes he is kind, but the only thing I have less time for than a hobby is anything that would be called a relationship.
GFH IC Contact
Mar. 30th, 2015 09:57 pmIf you're hearing this message that means I'm not available at the moment.
So if you'd please leave your contact info and your message I'll get back to you at the first possible moment.
If there is a family related emergency, just keep trying until you get through.
So if you'd please leave your contact info and your message I'll get back to you at the first possible moment.
If there is a family related emergency, just keep trying until you get through.
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