protective_logic (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
protective_logic) wrote2015-10-10 10:50 pm
protective_logic) wrote2015-10-10 10:50 pm
Journal Entry [0022]
There are things I cannot have. This much I have resolved to accept. This is true of my life. This is true of my work. This is true of my home on and what it represents. What it can and will be. But mostly, it's true of my relationship. It's true of what I have with Maine.
I've been trying to deal with the news since Thursday, and the simple fact of the matter is that I wish I had the chances he is taking of himself, for himself. With York. They... I don't think it's time enough for Sigma and York to make the decision they have. Granted part of that may be in the fact that, nearing on six months into my own relationship, I know I couldn't do it. Six months is too soon for me, so I assume it's too soon for him. That probably isn't fair. Sigma has always been more aware of himself, more in control of himself than I ever have been. He knows himself better, and I'm only just starting to find who I am.
And I envy that. I envy a lot of things about Sigma. He's younger, he'll never be responsible for the twins in the way Omega is, in the way I have to be. He's got a real life ahead of him. Graduate school even. He's going to have so much. And now he's taking this step forward with a man he loves, and it's something I can never do, never have, never be. Omega and I will be here until our younger siblings are set. Even if there are none after the twins, that's more than another fourteen years really. I'll be nearly forty before I can establish a life that is truly of my own. Maine...
Aaron could be long gone by then. He could be gone by this time next year. Either way I won't get to reach these milestones. It doesn't matter that nothing gives me joy like waking up with his arms around me. I don't know how to explain that to Omega, how good that feels. Knowing that they're just there, they're going to be there... I know why Sigma wants what he does, and I crave it too. And so, even if I'm worried it's too soon or he's doing it for the wrong reasons, or I'm scared it will go poorly, I have to fight for it for Sigma.
Didn't Omega and I always tell each other that we'd give the others what we never could have? Doesn't this fall into the same realm?
I've been trying to deal with the news since Thursday, and the simple fact of the matter is that I wish I had the chances he is taking of himself, for himself. With York. They... I don't think it's time enough for Sigma and York to make the decision they have. Granted part of that may be in the fact that, nearing on six months into my own relationship, I know I couldn't do it. Six months is too soon for me, so I assume it's too soon for him. That probably isn't fair. Sigma has always been more aware of himself, more in control of himself than I ever have been. He knows himself better, and I'm only just starting to find who I am.
And I envy that. I envy a lot of things about Sigma. He's younger, he'll never be responsible for the twins in the way Omega is, in the way I have to be. He's got a real life ahead of him. Graduate school even. He's going to have so much. And now he's taking this step forward with a man he loves, and it's something I can never do, never have, never be. Omega and I will be here until our younger siblings are set. Even if there are none after the twins, that's more than another fourteen years really. I'll be nearly forty before I can establish a life that is truly of my own. Maine...
Aaron could be long gone by then. He could be gone by this time next year. Either way I won't get to reach these milestones. It doesn't matter that nothing gives me joy like waking up with his arms around me. I don't know how to explain that to Omega, how good that feels. Knowing that they're just there, they're going to be there... I know why Sigma wants what he does, and I crave it too. And so, even if I'm worried it's too soon or he's doing it for the wrong reasons, or I'm scared it will go poorly, I have to fight for it for Sigma.
Didn't Omega and I always tell each other that we'd give the others what we never could have? Doesn't this fall into the same realm?