Journal Entry [0023]

Written in a shaky hand.

There are days... there are days I wish the world would swallow me whole. To be gone and not have to care. To just be away from here. Maybe to just not be Delta.

Is it wrong that I wish Price was here? Yes, I know it is, but... But he made us forget Beta entirely. Took away Alpha and Beta and made them forget us. It's wrong to want it, but why can't I have that oblivion as well? I don't want to remember any of it. Not his smiles, or his warmth, or his love. Not what I've given up for a family who doesn't care. But no, it will never happen.

Sacrifice was the life I was raised to. Why does this one hurt so much? Why is this the one that kills me inside? Why does nothing make it better other than the numbing effect of the alcohol?

We still have to move. When we do I'm going to create my work area myself. I can't ever share it with someone else, because I can't even look at the basement door without my throat getting far too tight.

Tonight I wish I was like Epsilon. If it was, I'd probably just go out and find a warm body to lose myself with. But I can't even do that. My mind won't let me. For me it's all or nothing, and right now... forever, it's nothing.