Journal Entry [0014]

It's been a while.

I suppose there is something... unnerving about sitting down to write quietly in the pages of a journal when the whole world around you is quiet. But this was the advice my counselor had given me in high school, back when the implants gave me a small spot of trouble and I was frustrated with Omega and I missed Alpha. And Beta too I suppose.

Definitely Beta.

Strangely enough, finding a good time to write is also getting harder these days. Not because I can't find a quiet corner (irony I know), but because privacy is somewhat harder to find. True privacy. I find it difficult to knowingly turn my back on any part of my family when I'm like this. Even after nearly twenty days like this I still find that I have trouble when people touch me. I'm so used to being a man who can hear that the idea of having someone tap me on the shoulder when I didn't hear them approach is pretty scary. Especially with all that has happened. With Epsilon being hurt and Sigma getting more serious and Omega...

Omega.

I don't know what is wrong with him. I know that recently he made his first foray into romantic life. I was quite happy to hear this when I learned of it. Of all of us, even with his level of social interaction, Omega was always the lonely one. The bonds he could have made with the people all around him were diminished by his responsibilities to us. That never made it easier I suppose. Approaching him was difficult, trying to connect to him harder. I knew, I thought I knew on some level, that I was a source of his not only discomfort, but disappointment. I failed to make this easier. I failed to find a job that would help us and let him work in a better line. I blamed myself for a lot of things.

I think we both did.

But now? Now things are looking up. Sigma is happy with his mercenary and set on a true career path. Epsilon is... still Epsilon. The twins are getting more attention and more help, and Theta is getting everything he needs. And Gamma? I actually had a conversation with him the other day so that's even looking up for his socializing. But Omega, for all that he has good friends now in Maine and our older sister and possibly this Louisiana, seems to be suffering.

That foray went poorly I think. Something happened and... I guess I got yelled at for daring to try and be there for him. I will not make said mistake again I suppose. It's not that easy, though. Not by a long shot. I love my older brother, and he's always wanted me to come to him about things, and now a week out from when I'll be recovering from surgery he doesn't even want to talk to me.

The thing he said to me is... was upsetting. Even with the things I've said to Tex, and the things I've written, I'm still not sure I'm ready. On my birthday, when Maine kissed me more... intensely, I didn't react well. I don't think I like that. Not at all. I think I need to sit down and have a very real conversation with him. Because if that is what he wants from me, I don't think...

But I guess that comes later. I won't risk things before I can hear him tell me. Until I can hear him talk to me.

In the mean time I think I need to find a way to thank all my friends for their amazing gifts.

I wonder if people like cookies.