Journal Entry [0026]

A month.

I've been without him for a month. There are moments, brief moments, where the world seems okay without him in it. The way Theta reacted to his new helmet. Omega's support for my new friendship. The warmth TC offers me. But there's this moment right after that happiness, that warmth, that kindness, where I hurt. I get more sleep now, but more from how much I was getting wasn't the best. But you know there are just things you just have to figure out for yourself. That you just learn to get through. I get more sleep, but it's still not enough. I'm not eating enough, to the point where people comment. I wonder if I'm supposed to care.

The days don't get easier. Maybe there are moments when they aren't terrible, but they aren't really better. Still I dream of him. Still I long for him. And still I want to call him every day to tell him about those good moments. Caught myself almost doing it this morning. I can't, though. Reaching out to him at all would be... wrong.

We couldn't even end as friends. My own choice. I can't believe I...

They say it gets easier with time. That people move on. I have to know how long it is. Does it matter? The rest of my life to wish and hate and long.

These days I don't know who I hate more. Him for not arguing more, struggling harder, for not trying at all. Or me for letting him go in the first place.

Better question. In the end does it even matter which turns out to be true when the only way I can get through the day is to remind myself that I still have four minors at home to manage.