Journal Entry [0003]

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do.

Omega talked to Sigma alright but... In the process he upset Sigma far worse than I think talking to Sigma myself might have done. The way Sigma reacted to me when I saw him on campus the next morning was heartbreaking at the very least. I didn't even know what to do. All I could do, in the bed, was beg forgiveness, deny interest in York, and insist that I'd talk to Omega.

A talk that I haven't had yet. We're both scared to because of the fight we know is coming.

I don't even know what to do about any of this. Thinking of Sigma going on a date with York this weekend makes my stomach quake like I'm sick. It's wrong of me to be so jealous, but for a moment I'd thought I had something to myself. Something I would never have to share with my siblings unless I wanted to. And now Sigma's dating the guy. In a way Sigma got there first. Am I terrible for wishing he hadn't? It's a great step for Sigma, and I swear to support him and York through all of this, but at the same time I just... I just wanted someone I could talk to about home and life without worrying about it getting back to my family. Ever.

Later in the day I still went shopping for Sigma's gift. Maybe I felt guilty. Either way I met this... Maine. I met Maine. He was tall and strong and he helped me with Sigma's gift. He signs like it's almost second nature, and I think we both almost delighted in our conversation. I can't be certain, I never saw his face. Only his hands up close really. Large, scarred, strong hands. Poor guy. Anyway I gave him my comm freq. I thought here was the thing I was looking for. Except...

Except Omega knows him. Except Omega knows him and the guy is a merc. Except Omega knows him, this guy is a merc, and I think he's pulling Omega into the business too. That's a conversation that I'm going to have to have with Omega, and I fear the plans I made with Maine (imagine, actually getting to try Jedanese coffee) will probably have to be cancelled. I'll have to do that tomorrow. I hate myself for it but I can't just leave him there waiting.

I have to wonder if the city is growing smaller. I also met this guy named Wash at the store who knew York. Said he apologized for whatever York had done to me. I wonder if I should worry for Sigma. But if I told Sigma he'd accuse me of trying to ruin everything. And that woman...

Something about her bothers me. Puts me on edge. On the defensive. I don't know why I feel like I need to prove myself to her, but I do. Something in her reminds me a bit of Meg I guess...

God, at this point, I just want to make it through the week.